We Are All Ruled By Our Own Fears-Breaking The Cycle

We’re all ruled by our own fears. Perhaps arrogantly I have always thought that I was the exception to that statement. I navigated my way through some tricky moments when I was younger and came out the other side to go to university and gain loads of letters after my name for which the Student Loans company charged me handsomely. I’ve moved to other countries alone and set up a new life bungs of times, I’ve changed career without a second thought, and thrown myself into massive projects with huge financial implications should they go wrong and I’ve done it with all the gusto of Honey Booboo straight after a bottle of Special Juice.  Yes, my friends I truly have not given a fuck. Zero fucks here for fear.

 

I sound great don’t I?  No inhibitions. Free to be who I want to be-I am the tampon lady that roller skated with Dalmatians.  Remember her?  What the fuck was that all about?

 

Problem is of course, that I am not all of the things above. I have done all of the things above apart from insert a tampon and go dog skating, but there’s time yet for that. At the heart of the matter I will not be stopped, but the cost of forging ahead with what I do in life is high. 

 Sometimes I repeat this quote to myself. Less is more.
Sometimes I repeat this quote to myself. Less is more.

 

Rewind to 21 and I had many a post-it on my bedside table with affirmations on them incase, in fact no let’s just say when I woke up during the night panicking about whatever my panic du jour was. Key things I loved to panic about were;

  •  money
  • lack of money
  • guilt about not spending enough time with family
  • the future
  • the past
  • what career I should go into
  •  my health
  • my relationship

 With the exception of the last one of those, as I think about that list, I realise my fears are pretty much all the same that they were 15 years ago. Although I don’t have the affirmations by my bed anymore. I prefer to drink myself unconscious and hope for the best. I’ve really matured in that sense.

 

I am a multipotentialite, a polymath, or as Emma Gannon puts it, I follow the ‘multi hyphen method’. What this means in laymen terms is I have a variety of skills that I put to use in order to further my career. Or as Robyn says in her song ‘Cobrastyle’ I have ‘relentless determination in the quest to get paid’.

From the outside this looks like an online retro furniture store, pop up homeware shops, a blog, an interior design business and various collaborations across the board. On the inside, well just basically start reading this blog from the beginning.

So as I said, the cost is high. I always strive for better and more. But I heard the phrase by Pedro Almodóvar in the year 2000 “ it costs a lot to be authentic. And one can’t be stingy with these things because you are more authentic the more you resemble what you’ve dreamed of being.” Sometimes that cost is material and sometimes it is mental. More often than not the latter I find, but I don’t want to sit in the sidelines and watch time go by.

 

A childhood friend of mine. The person I first got drunk with, and whose wall I later decorated with my spew.  The same girl I sang my first karaoke song alongside, and who left me to sing the unreachable high note alone – I WILL NEVER FORGIVE THIS – is now contending with terminal cancer. She has shown magnanimous strength, courage I can’t even imagine and a sense of control that astounds me throughout. I can’t change her situation and I think every day about it, but I can change my outlook toward the life I have. It won’t change things at all for her but I hope that she sees the impact her strength has on others and that this in turn gives her some small comfort. 

None of us can change what has already happened but we can shape what we have of our futures. I want to find out exactly who I am, and it may take a lifetime to discover. I am more than likely going to have to add many more hyphens to my job title in the process and considerably more wrinkles to my face. Fear gets in the way every day, hundreds of times but you’ve got to feel the fear and make the choice to just do it anyways. It’s what Deanna does.

 

 

You can read about Deanna below, and donate from the same link.

https://uk.gofundme.com/deannawilson

Happiness

 

I got to thinking the other day about happiness and how I don’t really connect with it in the way I used to. This isn’t to say I am not a ‘happy’ person. It’s just that the older you get it seems to be a more and more convoluted concept. 

 

I feel guilt for this at times because lets face it I have very, very little to complain about. I have love, health and a roof over my head.

 

I was going through what I meant with my partner the other day and the best way I could put it is through the terms of childhood.  Everything is so cut and shut when you’re a kid. When you’re at school, you’re not happy because you’re at school. That’s the law. The bell rings to go home, and your happiness light ignites. Dinner time arrives and maybe it’s something you don’t really want to eat but you know you have to or there will be hell to pay so you’re not happy. Standard. But then you’re happy again after tea when you can play. Unhappiness comes around again when it’s bedtime because you don’t want to go to bed yet. It all seemed very straight forward until exam time came and you became aware of this crazy little fuzzy monster called stress. That blew things out of the water didn’t it! Sleepless nights!?  They were a special occasion reserved only for night terrors as a small child.

 

From then on out the water just seems to become more and more cloudy, as adulthood begins to introduce to you the smörgåsbord of bonkers things that you need to deal with. Happiness starts to turn into an abstract concept until it fully evolves into a vapour that almost floats above you from time to time. In the past I have actually found myself at times thinking ‘this is when I should be happy, so this is me being happy’. What the fuck is that all about!?

 

They say life is what happens when you’re making plans and that phrase resonates so strongly with me nowadays. I’m so busy battering on with everything I think it would be a good idea do to that I had lost the ability to slow right down and actually feel feelings. Apart from the negative ones obviously. I’ve totally nailed them. Not bragging.

 

So recently I’ve been working at actually enjoying the good things when they happen. Sadly it does not come naturally to me anymore I have to confess. Fuck that though. I am going back to carefree childsville, stopping off at laugh until you cry and passing through the impossibly large smiles neighbourhood. Whatever adulthood has done to my happiness connectivity I am determined to reverse. There are some things that I can see now I need to adjust. Some parts of my life that are just basically not conducive to the feelings I want to have now so I’ll be tweaking away over the coming weeks and months but I’ll be damned if I’ve spent my life working so hard to get to this stage only to miss out on exactly what’s in front of me.

 

I do often wonder if I am alone in this. Do other people just connect with happiness in the same way they did as children? Is it just me? 

 

So if you see me walking down the street with a goofy smile plastered across my face, that’s just me going through therapy! Either that or I’ve finally lost it. Either is very possible at this stage.

 

Let me know what you think will you?

Picking Reasonably Priced Feature Wallpaper.

Ok so the script is that I am unwilling, for a guest bedroom, to shell out mega bucks for fabulous wallpaper. I understand that there is a time and a place for a bit of decadent fabulous wall art, and totally get that there are people out there that are more than happy to spend a months wages on hand scribed, gold embellished, one of a kind nonsense. I am not one of these people and don’t really imagine that I ever will be. I like bang for my buck and I also like low bills in all areas when redecorating. For this reason I don’t hire painter/decorators and for this reason I want to find a reasonably priced, unusual and fancy looking wallpaper that isn’t at total arse to hang.

 

This leads me to my quest for a nice paper that will go alongside the coral pink I have chosen for the ‘Story Book Guest Room’ – see my previous blog! I want something forest green and/or dramatic that will serve as a nice backdrop to the foliage in the room and gold gilt frames and mirrors etc.

So no decisions as of yet. I think I do want something on that wall and if anything I think the Muriva wins. I’ll send off and get a sample of it.  See how I feel after a few days.

Need a Builder?

 

 

 

On the Homes Rahe Stress inventory, renovating your home in fact only appears at number 28 in the list. Although the more savvy of us will be aware that any stage of the act could in fact propel you straight into first place of ‘death of a spouse’ with just the flick of a colour chart.

 

I have renovated.  Have you renovated?  It’s such an idealistic notion isn’t it?  I mean at the end of the day, we all watch Grand Designs and I am totally familiar with George Clarke’s moon face and determination to be the most Sunderlandish person ever born.  I’ll be honest and say at times I can’t even fathom what he’s actually saying. 

 

Any one can renovate can’t they? If you’re in a relationship then it’ll be even easier won’t it – because there’s two of you to shoulder the load isn’t there.  Just be prepared – have a contingency plan, order everything ahead and get a good builder. Get a good builder.  Easy enough.

 

Two months of consistent arguing about what kind of bidet tap to order.  One solid week of shrieking about why anyone would actually want a fucking bidet. Objects thrown over ‘someones’ idea of having slate window cills (yes that someone was me and yes I stand by the decision). Generic, consistent, discontent at pretty much all decisions for one reason or another. Chippy dinners for two full weeks due to no functioning kitchen, leading to extreme wall climbing and possible rickets. Everything covered in dust leading to the daily Catherine Wheel bicker match which normally will result in one giant mud slinging contest.  Yes, it’s easy enough.  Renovate a house – they do it all the time on Grand Designs.

 

What you don’t see on Grand Designs is all the epic editing that is required to make it appear like the couple are still able to be in the same room as each other at the end of it all. We were lucky, and that’s all I can describe it as.  We managed to find a middle ground that allowed us to either a) agree to disagree on decisions that would then allow us to progress with the build or b) kick up such a cavalcade of discontent that by the end of it we couldn’t actually remember what had started the drama in the first place by which point our builder would have just made the decision for us.

A slate cill is a good idea.  Repeat until you agree.

Yes, renovating truly is wonderful.  Of course, as I sit here in my luxurious palace now sheathed in marble and Swarovski, whilst my wild cats languidly pace their gilt cages I realise that it has all been worth it.  Not really – it’s all a lot more Scandinavian with the odd cow hide but it has of course been worth it. Would I do it again?  Not without the right builder.  We were exceptionally fortunate to find someone that was human and not a liar; rare traits from my experience. Apologies to all those exceptional builders out there that have the morals of Mother Theresa – In the words of Michael Bublé ‘ I just haven’t met you yet’.  I’m not the kind to give advice.  Let me give you some advice; get the right builder if you are going to dip your toe into the hell ocean of doing a place up.  Indeed – get my builder if you need one and you’re local to me.  Also, get wine.  Lots and lots of wine.  Lots and lots and lots of wine.