We Are All Ruled By Our Own Fears-Breaking The Cycle

We’re all ruled by our own fears. Perhaps arrogantly I have always thought that I was the exception to that statement. I navigated my way through some tricky moments when I was younger and came out the other side to go to university and gain loads of letters after my name for which the Student Loans company charged me handsomely. I’ve moved to other countries alone and set up a new life bungs of times, I’ve changed career without a second thought, and thrown myself into massive projects with huge financial implications should they go wrong and I’ve done it with all the gusto of Honey Booboo straight after a bottle of Special Juice.  Yes, my friends I truly have not given a fuck. Zero fucks here for fear.

 

I sound great don’t I?  No inhibitions. Free to be who I want to be-I am the tampon lady that roller skated with Dalmatians.  Remember her?  What the fuck was that all about?

 

Problem is of course, that I am not all of the things above. I have done all of the things above apart from insert a tampon and go dog skating, but there’s time yet for that. At the heart of the matter I will not be stopped, but the cost of forging ahead with what I do in life is high. 

 Sometimes I repeat this quote to myself. Less is more.
Sometimes I repeat this quote to myself. Less is more.

 

Rewind to 21 and I had many a post-it on my bedside table with affirmations on them incase, in fact no let’s just say when I woke up during the night panicking about whatever my panic du jour was. Key things I loved to panic about were;

  •  money
  • lack of money
  • guilt about not spending enough time with family
  • the future
  • the past
  • what career I should go into
  •  my health
  • my relationship

 With the exception of the last one of those, as I think about that list, I realise my fears are pretty much all the same that they were 15 years ago. Although I don’t have the affirmations by my bed anymore. I prefer to drink myself unconscious and hope for the best. I’ve really matured in that sense.

 

I am a multipotentialite, a polymath, or as Emma Gannon puts it, I follow the ‘multi hyphen method’. What this means in laymen terms is I have a variety of skills that I put to use in order to further my career. Or as Robyn says in her song ‘Cobrastyle’ I have ‘relentless determination in the quest to get paid’.

From the outside this looks like an online retro furniture store, pop up homeware shops, a blog, an interior design business and various collaborations across the board. On the inside, well just basically start reading this blog from the beginning.

So as I said, the cost is high. I always strive for better and more. But I heard the phrase by Pedro Almodóvar in the year 2000 “ it costs a lot to be authentic. And one can’t be stingy with these things because you are more authentic the more you resemble what you’ve dreamed of being.” Sometimes that cost is material and sometimes it is mental. More often than not the latter I find, but I don’t want to sit in the sidelines and watch time go by.

 

A childhood friend of mine. The person I first got drunk with, and whose wall I later decorated with my spew.  The same girl I sang my first karaoke song alongside, and who left me to sing the unreachable high note alone – I WILL NEVER FORGIVE THIS – is now contending with terminal cancer. She has shown magnanimous strength, courage I can’t even imagine and a sense of control that astounds me throughout. I can’t change her situation and I think every day about it, but I can change my outlook toward the life I have. It won’t change things at all for her but I hope that she sees the impact her strength has on others and that this in turn gives her some small comfort. 

None of us can change what has already happened but we can shape what we have of our futures. I want to find out exactly who I am, and it may take a lifetime to discover. I am more than likely going to have to add many more hyphens to my job title in the process and considerably more wrinkles to my face. Fear gets in the way every day, hundreds of times but you’ve got to feel the fear and make the choice to just do it anyways. It’s what Deanna does.

 

 

You can read about Deanna below, and donate from the same link.

https://uk.gofundme.com/deannawilson

New Year Resolution Embargo.

 

January.  Undoubtedly the most dour and lacklustre month of the year. Basically it’s the ideal time to commit to drinking wine every day and eating as much as Is humanly possible at all times. Although as we all know, for very boring reasons, this is something that we should try to do in modesty. I am Scottish so that is not something that comes naturally.

 My bedroom is the safest place to be in January.
My bedroom is the safest place to be in January.

 

One thing that I do definitely feel strongly about is New Years resolutions. I hate them and just basically feel that they set everyone up for miserable falls. Normally in about 3 to 5 weeks. On that note is anyone else getting relentless emails from gyms they left years ago offering free everything if we just promise to come back? So I will not be committing to any resolutions – haven’t done for many, many years now. 

 

I do take the time to reflect however, and set up some basic plans and guidelines for the next 365 days. For example this year I want to have either bought a plot of land somewhere in North England or be on the cusp of doing so (giving myself lots of manouvre room there incase I don’t manage it in time!).

 One of the current contenders for self build space.
One of the current contenders for self build space.

I want to sort the front garden out at my house also. You’ll see from earlier blogs, when I moved into the property it basically had a car park at the back and a waste land at the front. In my minds eye, I can see a living wall that defines the borders of the plot, perhaps with some kind of pergola along the side of the drive.

 I want to create a space that gives us privacy, but also is visually engaging.
I want to create a space that gives us privacy, but also is visually engaging.

I would absolutely also LOVE to go on another all inclusive holiday somewhere. Have you ever gone on one?  It’s the best thing in the world ever. Wine on demand, chips with every meal and by the end of the trip you can’t even remember where your debit card is, it’s been that long since you had to go through the stress of paying for anything. I am also going to start volunteering this year at a local charity, I want to give my time to my local community.

 13 million people in the UK don't have enough food to get by. We can all help by donating our time, money or kitchen essentials.
13 million people in the UK don’t have enough food to get by. We can all help by donating our time, money or kitchen essentials.

 

I reckon I am going to leave it at that for just now. Obviously there are all the usual work ambitions such as take over the interior design world, be nominated for every award ever invented, find every piece of the most amazing mid century furniture created and generally rule the world. Standard stuff.

 

I think the trick is to not be unrealistic about what you can achieve. You are good enough as you are.  Making mild changes over time and setting up medium and long term goals gives you plenty of time and opportunity to evolve and not feel that gut wrenching anxiety of looming deadlines.  In 2016 I read Ruby Wax’s book ‘Mindfulness for the Frazzled’ and that will continue to influence me throughout the year. I struggle with anxiety and an over working Capricorn mind so it’s literally critical for me to focus on controlling my thoughts or they control me with remarkable speed. As I go through life I find more and more people that suffer similarly. One thing I think we would all benefit from is being more mindful of our mental health.

At the end of the day in the words of Maya Angelou ‘nothing will work unless you do’ but in order for that to happen, you have to be in the right mental place so be kind. Set reasonable mid and long term goals and if nothing else works crack open the wine, and wait for February. Help is on the way!